The NBA Rumor Mill is as much of a basketball institution as the dynastic Chicago Bulls of the ’90s or today’s Golden State Warriors. Fans can’t live with it and can’t live without it.

As free agency slows down, leaving answered questions about the future of certain players, teams with relatively solid rosters are entering the rumor mill to… to do what, exactly? To get online impressions? To drive traffic to a website? To ensure fans don’t forget about the team even when they’re not the day’s breaking news?

For the Washington Wizards, any of the above are possible. In fact, anything is possible for the Wizards, according to some of the internet’s recent trade rumors and theories. Of course, some are more substantial than others, but whether they have any substance remains to be seen.

Here are three recent Wizards rumors that are all somewhere between amusing and plain baffling:

1. Kevin Durant, a DMV (DC, Maryland, and Virginia) native, is joining the team as a sort of homecoming

Reports of a trade between Brooklyn and Washington have settled down, to the relief of probably everyone. Then, in mid-July, it randomly came out that the Wizards had an eye on Durant, arguably the NBA’s most infamous forward (and TikTok rookie). After emerging as a leader in OKC and adding his name to Golden State’s legacy, Durant joined the now-dilapidated Brooklyn Nets superteam.

It doesn’t seem like there’s much to be gained on either side from this hypothetical trade. For starters, the Wizards would probably have to give up a lot of their young core for an aging Durant. For a team with few consistent bright spots, its developing players are something Washington can’t afford to lose. Durant’s years in the NBA are much more limited than Rui Hachimura’s or Deni Avdija’s, and who knows if KD wants to spend his last years in the NBA with a struggling Wizards team?

2. Donovan Mitchell is signing with the Wizards

The (former) Utah Jazz guard, 25, is all set to breathe life into the New York Knicks. But before that deal can be finalized and reported to the masses, the Washington Wizards want to step in. The timing of this seems inopportune. The Wizards are extremely offense-heavy and don’t need another guard, even though the idea of Bradley Beal and Mitchell together is appealing. And even though Mitchell has been named an NBA all-star on three occasions and he would add intrigue, competition, and value to the Wizards’ roster, it would probably take a year or two to see Mitchell’s impact.

Since we don’t know how he would hypothetically get along with Beal, Kristaps Porzingis, Kyle Kuzma, etc., and the Wizards are a franchise that highly values chemistry, it’s just unlikely to imagine that a player would fit in instantly.

3. Kristaps Porzingis is being shopped

If the first two rumors in this article were a surprise, I don’t even know what to call this one. At least half the time I spend on Twitter is probably looking for Wizards news, and this tweet was the first mention of Porzingis I’ve seen since the season ended in April of this year. Though I’m not a Porzingis fan, it makes no sense for the Wizards to get rid of him.

The Wizards need depth in the center position, even though Daniel Gafford would be an effective starting center. Then there’s the question of who Washington would request. Neither Kevin Durant nor Donovan Mitchell are centers, and the Wizards do not need to trade a center for another guard or forward.

And all of this ignores the frequent rumors on Twitter that Hachimura and Avdija will be traded.